Burning Down the Shame And Awakening Sexual Expression
What Crazy Kelly Taught Me
We had just arrived at the campsite. Natalie and I were trying to figure out where to set up our tent. We didn’t want to be in the center of all the action because we knew there would be loud music into the wee hours of the morning. Yet, we didn’t want to be too far away. Luckily there were options.
This was our first burn experience. We were going to spend the next three days at this festival that was a smaller version of burning man. What was really awesome about this is that even though it was our first time at this kind of event, we were also vendors. We were getting the opportunity to express our creative gifts into the world and that alone made us feel like very excited children on Christmas morning.
We finally found a spot near a tree that seemed both close enough and far enough away at the same time. Fortunately Natalie came a day earlier and slept in her car the first night because it was too dark to set the tent up and she got to experience how loud the music was until 7am. That insight helped us find our spot after she came and picked me up from the airport.
The Wonder Of New Adventures
There we were, two creative kids in a candy store setting up an 8 person tent for 3 people (our other friend would be joining us shortly). We had no idea what we were doing. We were reading the directions and watching youtube videos to figure it out. We were determined to succeed at this and we were on an adrenaline rush with anticipation of what the next three days would be like. We made some progress but knew we were going to have to ask for help.
We decided to wander around the campsite to call in some aid. Everyone was full of love. That’s because we were in the “love village”. One of the rules to going to this festival was to understand the principles of Burning man. For instance we needed to know what MOOP stood for; (Matter Out Of Place) — a convenient way of referring to anything that is not originally of the land on which our event takes place. We also had to have gifts because everything was on a barter system (no money).
Returning To My Youth
I spent hours on the previous days, making friendship pins. Remember those from elementary school? I hadn’t made them in years but thought it would be fun. I used all kinds of colorful beads as I made them. I just sat on my floor in my room and listened to all my favorite music as I put these pins together. It transported me back to childhood and made me think of putting them together with my best friend on the playground during recess. Some I carefully arranged with certain colors chosen to be together and others I just let myself grab beads and allowed it to flow. There was one friendship pin that was different from the rest. The beads looked like diamonds or crystals and it was a bigger pin. I remember distinctly thinking that this pin was going to go to a special person as I made it.
“Glamping” Is The New Thing
As we walked around the campsite we were introducing ourselves to people. I was so in awe of the creative setups that these people had. You could tell they had been doing this forever or at least much longer than my friend Natalie and I. This was definitely not their first rodeo. This was a creative playground and my first time traveling after being cooped up from COVID the last year so it was extra exciting. We saw RV setups and turntables and tapestries with beautiful colors and even handmade vehicles. This was what they are referring to as “glamping” these days, as I would find out later in a conversation with my brother on the phone.
This campsite was on the plot of a small airport in Florida. People came here to fly or to hang glide. There were bathrooms with showers and a pool in the middle of the campsite with nice lounge chairs. Like a real pool, with cement underground. I glared at it and asked one of the volunteers if we were allowed to use that pool. I hadn’t been in a pool since 2019 because ours was closed the summer for COVID in 2020. He said yes. Holy hell did that make me happy.
He Made An Impression
Everyone was so kind and had warm energy in their aura. All of a sudden a guy came out of his setup and started talking to us. He had a blinged out police cap on with a feather on the side of it and one very long dangling earring that had several stars. He was wearing glasses like John Lennon. He had no shirt on and neon printed biker shorts. He was thin and tall, not a body that particularly aroused me in any way. When we introduced ourselves we asked him what his name was. He said, Today I’m crazy Kelly. Tomorrow that could be different but that’s who I feel like being right now.
There was something different about his energy than the rest of the people we had been meeting. He seemed wise. He felt like an old soul to me. A chilled out very relaxed yet extremely expressive energy surrounded him. He felt advanced to me. Almost like a founder of this movement or something. Like a leader or father figure. Something about him also felt familiar to me but I couldn’t quite place what it was.
Expert Level
We gathered a group of people to come help us with our tent and he came too. He was eating a succulent looking mango and offered to share but I declined as I was not hungry. He didn’t jump in to help, he said he wasn’t good at this kind of stuff but that he was there to hold space and offer emotional support. I liked that. He knew how he could contribute and offered that to us and told us upfront. He was clear about the role he played.
A few people helped us to get our tent up. As everyone pitched in I was talking to Crazy Kelly and he was explaining to me his set up and said that we should stop by later. He had his RV and then several tents, each one for different reasons. One for instance was for wardrobe change specifically. He also said he had the makeup station set up. One was the chillout tent. It was amazing the way he described it and I was in awe of the details. This deeply left an impression with me. Expert.
Once we got the tent set up everyone who had been helping went back to their spaces and we started decorating what was going to be our home for the next three days. Our tent was amazing, especially for our first time. We had a foyer with lounge chairs and a little fold up stand with snacks. Then we hung a tapestry of the chakra systems to give us each space for our sleeping bags. I was proud of our set up and we strung different colored led lights to help us see when it got dark.
Earning Our Badges
The first night part of our volunteer work for being there was service to the event. Our one friend had to help check people in who were just arriving at the camp. Myself and Natalie were given the task of being “the love angels’’. We were given walkie talkies and it was our job to walk around and make sure that everyone was enjoying themselves and that no one was too fucked up. They had prevention and first aid set up with walkie talkie systems to make sure everyone was supported.
We walked through the camp between different setups. There were DJs spinning, people dancing, a performer on stilts, and an amazing visual set up tent that you could dance in front of screens and see these amazing visuals of yourself as you dance. There was a dome (blow up) auditorium that reminded me a lot of when I used to play the popcorn game in P.E. class when I was little and one would use that parachute with all the kids and then get inside. We made our way to the dome. We heard thumping house music coming from the dome. This whole time we were walking around I had my little white bucket with friendship pins with me.
We walked up to the bonfire and we were checking in asking everyone if they were having fun. As we met people I asked if they’d like a friendship pin. Each person reached into the bucket with excitement. People would exclaim, “I remember these. How cool?!” and “OMG I haven’t seen these in years”. The pins were a hit. People were grabbing them and smiling and then asking for help to pin them on their shirts, or jackets, shoes, or bags. I was glad that I made them. I could tell they were brightening people’s day.
There Are No Accidents
We continued through the various parts of the camp until we finally got to the dome. We entered and it was completely empty except there he was with another guy. Crazy Kelly. He was dressed in like a punk rock black grunge outfit this time. Leather. He was setting up DJ equipment. Of course he was, I thought. This guy is cool. The sound system was dope. I put my bucket down and took off my fur vest and started dancing. Immediately I was in one of my trances. I hadn’t been able to dance like this in awhile with this kind of music and space. I kept dancing. My friend was talking to his friend.
He came towards me and greeted me with a hug. I picked up my bucket and asked if he would like a friendship pin. He smiled graciously. He reached into the bucket, picked one up and put it back. I became an observer in this moment. All of a sudden I felt like a student. No one had done that yet. Everyone so far had just reached in and grabbed one and took it without thinking twice. There were 300 people at this festival and later I would learn that he was the only person that didn’t just take what they grabbed but sought out what they wanted. Little did I know that this moment was going to be such a fucking teaching moment for me and I was on the receiving end of that lesson. He continued to dig through the bucket. He took his time. He was meticulous. I just watched him completely mesmerized by how he was holding out for what he really wanted, what really spoke to him. This guy knew what he wanted and wouldn’t settle for less.
A Diamond In the Rough
Finally he looked like he had found what he had been looking for. He pulled it out of the bucket and held it close in front of his face just to make sure and there it was. The bigger pin that had the crystal/diamond like beads on it. He smiled at me and we made deep eye contact. I felt electricity run through my body. I could feel his gratitude but also something else that I couldn’t put my finger on. I was under his spell. He then took the pin and pinned it to his pants right on his crotch and gave me a mischievous grin. No words were exchanged. There was nothing that needed to be said.
I was turned on.
Sexual energy. But not in a distasteful way. In a way that said I know what I want and I deserve it. I’m not afraid to be playful. He was completely and utterly himself; not timid or afraid to fully express it all. I could feel that about this moment and it attracted me. Not in a way that I wanted him per say, at least not here in this moment, but in a way that I admired the hell out of him. This whole situation felt like it had happened in slow motion.
Even though my friend was next to me and talking to the other guy it felt like they were in another dimension and I was in this space here learning from my new teacher, learning from this guy comfortable in his sexual energy to be completely himself. He was the safe masculine energy that allows a woman to be fully expressive in her divine feminine power. His energy made mine feel more powerful. He gave me an invitation to indulge the emotion of desire. That’s what was attractive. Since he was SO himself, he gave the next person 100% permission to be themselves. There was no fight for energy attention here. And what I learned in this moment is that this energy that he embodied is very rare and very sacred; rare like a gemstone or in this case, rare like the only friendship pin I made of this caliber.
Burn Baby Burn
We left the dome (Natalie and I) and headed to the burn. The burn happened each night, and was across the field near one of the other campsites. A wooden installation would be burned and this was a time for reflection and release. We walked quite a ways across the field and experienced our first burn. It was intense. The heat from it was intense. Being under the stars in the middle of nature was intense. Being away from technology for over 24 hours had allowed deep connection with ourselves. There were thumping drums and howling and fire dancers. And heat.
My skin felt hot and was sweating and I could not for the life of me stop thinking about what just transpired with my teacher. As the fire burned this introspection within myself rose to the surface. I want to be more like him, I thought to myself. I want to fully own my sexuality and feel safe doing so. I want to not hold anything back. I want to know that I could be judged by another but not allow that judgement to taint me like I have in the past. I want to be that free.
The Implied Shame Women Carry
He stirred up something deep inside of me. Why were we women not allowed to be free like this? Why were we slut-shamed the minute we express any sexuality at all? Why had the divine feminine power been pushed down? Why were we supposed to behave like well behaved sexually repressed puppets? Who did this to women?
I want to be like him. I want that space to feel liberated and unjudged. I don’t want to carry the sexual shame that goes along with being a woman. It’s not mine to carry or any of ours to carry. That’s old ancestral bullshit. I want to be like him. And I want to be the example to other women that they can too.
All of a sudden he appeared again. In a different outfit. This was the third time in one day that I saw him and he was expressing himself again completely differently. The installation was burning down. And he joined the other fire dancers and began to dance with the fire. He had red pants on, they had a shiny appearance and they were very loose and flowing. He had eye makeup up on and no shirt. He had fire swords in his hands and began dancing and spinning them as the installation burned behind him and the drums played. He became one with the fire. Something deep awakened in me watching him. There had been women fire dancers before him but there was something so hot about seeing a man dance with fire so sensually. So primal. So sexual. I had never seen this before. He would take a sword and put it down his throat.
The Art Of Arousal
Burning flames. He would burn his skin and drag it along his chest near his nipple line. He wasn’t hurting himself, this was part of the dance. The look in his eyes as he danced was magnetizing. I thought about taking pictures or filming but then I knew I would miss all that this moment had to offer me, to teach, to mirror to me if I did that. It was impossible not to get pulled into this. He was awakening sexual energy in probably everyone there that was paying attention. He was waking up Eros in the collective. As the installation burned and I continued to watch my teacher dance that same feeling of him being familiar to me came into my mind. This time I was trying to think of who he reminded me of. Who was it? Who was it that this guy reminded me of?
And then it hit. He reminded me of Boy George.
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Healing The Divine Feminine Power Within
I thought to myself am I truly comfortable in my sexuality? Do I feel like I can totally be me in my full divine feminine energy sexually? Can I allow myself to be raw and primal like that? Why as women do we continue to feel repressed? I want to be like him. I want that freedom.
Did you enjoy this piece and are you interested in exploring your creativity in various forms? Then join me and co-host author and coach Safiya Robinson in the Creatives corner on Clubhouse as we talk about all things creativity! Topics include what is creativity, and this week’s topic — creativity and shame. (And you can check out Safiya’s recent post around creativity, shame and self acceptance here).
